Loss // Part 3

In this blog post I will be very raw and real in describing what our miscarriage was like emotionally and physically. 

After our second miscarriage, for the next several weeks I took pregnancy tests to make sure my hcg levels were going down properly. It’s such a weird feeling taking a pregnancy test and hoping for a negative test but Finally I got a negative test and I knew that if I took a test again it there was a line it was from a new pregnancy not from our loss..

about a month later March 2020 I woke up in the morning and took a pregnancy test. But I got busy with the kids and didn’t look at it in the time frame. (Most pregnancy test you need to look at about 3-10 minutes after taking it. Any longer and the result is considered invalid) 18 minutes later I remembered the test and go look. There is a faint line! But it was after the time frame so I didn’t get my hopes up. I’d just test again the next morning. Later that afternoon I decided I couldn’t wait anymore and while the kids were having quite time I took another test. Stayed in the bathroom so I wouldn’t forget it. And set my timer for 3 minutes. Beep beep the timer goes off. I look and there is definitely a second line. I cry. And can’t believe it. We are expecting! So I fall to my knees and thank God for another sweet blessing and pray over our sweet baby in me. I call the next day and get in that Monday to get a blood hcg test and progesterone level checked.

I get the call the next day my hcg and progesterone look good. What a relief.

I had planned on going in a few more times to recheck levels. But I just felt peace and to just trust him. Even though my progesterone level looked good I decided to use progesterone cream. My doctor okayed it. And said it wasn’t needed but wouldn’t hurt anything. We are so excited I just feel such a peace about this pregnancy and I’m so thankful for that. 

Four weeks

Seven weeks

Five weeks rolls around and I feel SO nauseous and any kind of food makes me gag. No headaches thankfully but lots of morning sickness feeling. Not quite threwing  up. But enough that I felt like this was a viable pregnancy. Even though I felt awful I was so thankful! We are getting our little rainbow baby. Our little ray of sunshine. 

At Eight weeks we go in for our ultrasound. But right now is when corona virus is going on so when we walk into the hospital we are asked to wear masks. We put them on and head to the clinic for the ultrasound. We get inside. I lay down and she starts the scan. She looks for awhile and asks if I’m sure of my dates. I say yes. And she asks if I’ve had any spotting or cramps. I hadn’t. She decides to do an internal ultrasound and starts scanning again. Asks agin if I’ve had any bleeding or cramping. Thats when I knew. At 8 weeks we should have seen baby. But all I saw was a little spot. Not moving no flickering heartbeat. Still having to wear the mask silently start crying. As she doing the ultrasound. I ask her if the baby has a heartbeat. Already knowing what I saw, but trying to cling onto my last shard of a hope. She says she can’t tell me and I need to talk to my doctor. She leaves the room. I can’t breathe. I rip off the mask and gasp for a breath. Still hardly feel like I can breath. Not again. Not again! John sits with me as I cry silently. This can’t be happening again. A nurse comes in and says the ultrasound Tech wanted the radiologist to take a look at the ultrasound and baby. And then he would talk with a doctor and then they would talk to me.

The radiologist was helping in a surgery so we had to wait. We sit in the room for a hour. I’m trying not to cry as I want to be able to really hear and know what the doctor is saying. Finally she comes in. It’s confirmed. Baby has no heartbeat and I am having a missed miscarriage. Baby stopped growing two weeks ago.

We talked about our options, Since my body was showing no signs of miscarriage we had a few things to think about.

1. I could wait and let myself miscarry naturally.

2. I could have a D&C where they remove everything in a surgery.

3. I could take a pill to induce miscarriage.

We went home and tried to rest the rest of the day.

But the stress and emotions of what was happening was hitting me hard. So hard I was physically sick. Throwing up, weak, headaches and couldn’t concentrate on anything. I prayed about it and talked it over with John and decided if I didn’t show signs of miscarrying naturally we would do a D&C since our previous loss was very traumatic for me mentally and physically and very hard on John as well. John is getting into his busy season on the farm and soon wouldn’t be able to be home much and I knew especially If I had a miscarriage like last time I would need him there. 

Three day later we went to the hospital for the D&C. Even with this virus stuff going on John was able to be with me before and after surgery which I am SO thankful for. We did one last ultrasound to triple check, then went in to the surgery.

After surgery and recovery we went home and I rested the rest of the day. My recovery went very well physically and had hardly and bleeding and no cramping. Within a few days I was feeling more myself physically which I am so thankful for. Emotionally I know I still have a lot of healing, I added my pregnancy photos and journal to my box from my previous losses. It’s funny how simple things like that can be so healing.

Some days I feel so frustrated and overwhelmed.

Why do we have to go through this all over again, waiting for my body to heal, waiting for my pregnancy tests to be negative. Waiting for test results to come back. Waiting, Wondering. Wondering when will we be able to have a pregnancy that has a happy ending.

We were able to tell from testing that the baby was genetically normal and was a baby girl.

Definitely bittersweet news. 

After talking with my Dr we ran more testing on me, but every test we ran showed everything was normal.

But through it all, God has shown himself and His grace, His peace, His faithfulness and His Love. We’ve been so overwhelmed by all the prayers, thoughtful messages and gifts, we have felt to loved and cared for.

I don’t know what the next chapter in our lives looks like. But I do know that God is working and moving in our lives. And even in these incredibly hard storms, He will see us through.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness.

Lamentations 3:22-23

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Loss // Part 2

In this blog post I will be very raw and real in describing what our miscarriage was like emotionally and physically. 

After our chemical pregnancy in August 2019 we really wanted to get pregnant right away.

November 18th 2019 I got my positive test. So excited yet so many emotions. I called my doctors right away for a confirmation and went in a few days later. Got the call they got their positive test and set me up for my ultrasound and first appointment.

Five and a half weeks pregnant I started feeling some morning sickness, mainly just off in mornings and then when I was about six weeks I started getting really really bad headaches. I usually get headaches in early pregnancy. But these were worse then I had ever had. Like I couldn’t move or think. Seven weeks three days roll around and we have our ultrasound.

 We go in and put the wand on my belly. They said baby seems a bit small so they need to do the internal ultrasound. Once they do that they see baby and I can see his/her heart beating. The only issue is baby was only measuring six weeks. I knew my dates couldn’t be that far off. But since the babies heart beat was good and strong at 164 and the doctor wasn’t worried. I did a bit of research and read several success stories of moms who’s babies measured small but had caught up by the next ultrasound so I pushed that to the back of my mind and tried not to worry. Eight weeks we announced to everyone and were so excited. At about nine weeks my headaches started to fade and I started to feel more normal. I worried for a little while. But remembered around 9 weeks is when the placenta takes over so it’s normal for some symptoms to fade.

At ten weeks five days right before I went to bed I used the restroom and there was a tiny bit of brown blood. Like basically nothing. But it was there. I tried not to worry. Said I prayer and went to bed. Ten weeks six days, I woke up the next morning feeling normal had and no spotting at all. Phew so happy it was nothing. The kids and I had planned on going to a friends house that afternoon so since I hadn’t had any spotting I decided to go. A few hours after I got there I had slight pink spotting. Not a lot. But more then before so I went some and took it easy the rest of the night. I decided that if I was still spotting in the morning I would call my doctor. Eleven weeks and I woke up and I was having more pink spotting. Called as soon as the doctors office opened and they scheduled me for a ultrasound at 11:00am and It was currently 8:30am I get out of bed to check on the kids and suddenly I feel this huge gush and I look down and my pants are covered in blood. I run the the bathroom and sit in the tub just gushing blood and clots the size of my fist. I knew I was loosing our baby. And I sobbed in the shower. Finally got myself cleaned up. I pulled on a pair of non maternity jeans that hadn’t fit the week before. And they fit, My belly was gone. I had a decent bump before. Now it was gone. And I just knew our baby was too. I Tried to help the kids with what they needed. But had to go to the bathroom because of bleeding and had to stay in there. John gets home and we drop the kids off at my in-laws and we go to the clinic. 

I go into the ultrasound and she starts checking things out. Nothing is said. I see nothing recognizable on the screen. Finally I ask her if she sees the baby. She said no unfortunately I do not. I already knew that I probably lost the baby. But still was holding onto a slight hope. Now I knew. And I just couldn’t believe it. We are brought to a Different room and our doctor comes in and confirms that we did loose the baby. We leave the clinic and head home, when we were almost home I started to feel really warm. Suddenly I wake up to John saying “ Sarahanne! Sarahanne! Are you ok?” I had passed out. I composed myself and felt well enough to get out of our truck and go inside. I start walking up the stairs and into the bathroom and wake up again to John holding me as I’m slumped in the bathroom floor blood everywhere. He’s able to help me to the toilet and I start passing clots the size of about two fists combined. He helps me in bed. I drink some juice and lay in bed. I can’t think. I can’t speak. Cramping so painfuly, So weak I couldn’t do anything. John sat with me as I rested for awhile. Finally I feel well enough to drink and eat a cracker. I spend the rest of the afternoon in bed and couldn’t get out of bed without Johns help.

A friend brought us dinner and John brought the kids home. We had to tell the kids that our little baby went to heaven. They were sad. Especially Cort. But they handled it well. The next day we had someone watch the kids so I could rest. I could hardly get out of bed without feeling too weak to stand. Over the next few days we had someone help with the kids as I still didn’t feel comfortable having the kids alone since I was so weak. A week gos by and I feel a bit more myself. I go into a appointment to talk things over with my doctor. She said that the loss was probably caused from chromosomal abnormalities, And since I’ve had three healthy normal pregnancies she said that that’s the most likely reason. I asked about testing for me with hormones and such. But since I hadn’t had three losses and our first was a chemical most insurances wouldn’t cover any testing.

I got myself a heart ring to remember our sweet baby just like I did with out first loss. I want our babies to be remembered even though I only got to have them for a short time. I embroidered a fabric to match our ultrasound and bought a little box to keep all the pregnancy photos, journal and special things from my pregnancy.

I’ve been amazed by the way Gods blessed us with peace and comfort. when I was expecting again I had fears. But I didn’t want to live in fear so prayed against any fear, and for the time I was pregnant felt a great peace that this pregnancy was going well. Then when we miscarried I cried out to God. “why would you give me a peace with this pregnancy if it was going to end in a loss..” But then I felt God telling me that he gave me that peace so I could Enjoy the pregnancy, even though I only got to have this baby two months. They were filled with Joy, Love and peace. If I had been living in fear I wouldn’t have enjoyed the pregnancy and I would have been robbed of the Joy we had. I’m so thankful for the peace God gave me so we could celebrate and cherish the time we had. Even now we are feeling Gods blessings pouring down on us.

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27