In this blog post I will be very raw and real in describing what our miscarriage was like emotionally and physically.
After our chemical pregnancy in August 2019 we really wanted to get pregnant right away.
November 18th 2019 I got my positive test. So excited yet so many emotions. I called my doctors right away for a confirmation and went in a few days later. Got the call they got their positive test and set me up for my ultrasound and first appointment.
Five and a half weeks pregnant I started feeling some morning sickness, mainly just off in mornings and then when I was about six weeks I started getting really really bad headaches. I usually get headaches in early pregnancy. But these were worse then I had ever had. Like I couldn’t move or think. Seven weeks three days roll around and we have our ultrasound.
We go in and put the wand on my belly. They said baby seems a bit small so they need to do the internal ultrasound. Once they do that they see baby and I can see his/her heart beating. The only issue is baby was only measuring six weeks. I knew my dates couldn’t be that far off. But since the babies heart beat was good and strong at 164 and the doctor wasn’t worried. I did a bit of research and read several success stories of moms who’s babies measured small but had caught up by the next ultrasound so I pushed that to the back of my mind and tried not to worry. Eight weeks we announced to everyone and were so excited. At about nine weeks my headaches started to fade and I started to feel more normal. I worried for a little while. But remembered around 9 weeks is when the placenta takes over so it’s normal for some symptoms to fade.
At ten weeks five days right before I went to bed I used the restroom and there was a tiny bit of brown blood. Like basically nothing. But it was there. I tried not to worry. Said I prayer and went to bed. Ten weeks six days, I woke up the next morning feeling normal had and no spotting at all. Phew so happy it was nothing. The kids and I had planned on going to a friends house that afternoon so since I hadn’t had any spotting I decided to go. A few hours after I got there I had slight pink spotting. Not a lot. But more then before so I went some and took it easy the rest of the night. I decided that if I was still spotting in the morning I would call my doctor. Eleven weeks and I woke up and I was having more pink spotting. Called as soon as the doctors office opened and they scheduled me for a ultrasound at 11:00am and It was currently 8:30am I get out of bed to check on the kids and suddenly I feel this huge gush and I look down and my pants are covered in blood. I run the the bathroom and sit in the tub just gushing blood and clots the size of my fist. I knew I was loosing our baby. And I sobbed in the shower. Finally got myself cleaned up. I pulled on a pair of non maternity jeans that hadn’t fit the week before. And they fit, My belly was gone. I had a decent bump before. Now it was gone. And I just knew our baby was too. I Tried to help the kids with what they needed. But had to go to the bathroom because of bleeding and had to stay in there. John gets home and we drop the kids off at my in-laws and we go to the clinic.
I go into the ultrasound and she starts checking things out. Nothing is said. I see nothing recognizable on the screen. Finally I ask her if she sees the baby. She said no unfortunately I do not. I already knew that I probably lost the baby. But still was holding onto a slight hope. Now I knew. And I just couldn’t believe it. We are brought to a Different room and our doctor comes in and confirms that we did loose the baby. We leave the clinic and head home, when we were almost home I started to feel really warm. Suddenly I wake up to John saying “ Sarahanne! Sarahanne! Are you ok?” I had passed out. I composed myself and felt well enough to get out of our truck and go inside. I start walking up the stairs and into the bathroom and wake up again to John holding me as I’m slumped in the bathroom floor blood everywhere. He’s able to help me to the toilet and I start passing clots the size of about two fists combined. He helps me in bed. I drink some juice and lay in bed. I can’t think. I can’t speak. Cramping so painfuly, So weak I couldn’t do anything. John sat with me as I rested for awhile. Finally I feel well enough to drink and eat a cracker. I spend the rest of the afternoon in bed and couldn’t get out of bed without Johns help.
A friend brought us dinner and John brought the kids home. We had to tell the kids that our little baby went to heaven. They were sad. Especially Cort. But they handled it well. The next day we had someone watch the kids so I could rest. I could hardly get out of bed without feeling too weak to stand. Over the next few days we had someone help with the kids as I still didn’t feel comfortable having the kids alone since I was so weak. A week gos by and I feel a bit more myself. I go into a appointment to talk things over with my doctor. She said that the loss was probably caused from chromosomal abnormalities, And since I’ve had three healthy normal pregnancies she said that that’s the most likely reason. I asked about testing for me with hormones and such. But since I hadn’t had three losses and our first was a chemical most insurances wouldn’t cover any testing.
I got myself a heart ring to remember our sweet baby just like I did with out first loss. I want our babies to be remembered even though I only got to have them for a short time. I embroidered a fabric to match our ultrasound and bought a little box to keep all the pregnancy photos, journal and special things from my pregnancy.
I’ve been amazed by the way Gods blessed us with peace and comfort. when I was expecting again I had fears. But I didn’t want to live in fear so prayed against any fear, and for the time I was pregnant felt a great peace that this pregnancy was going well. Then when we miscarried I cried out to God. “why would you give me a peace with this pregnancy if it was going to end in a loss..” But then I felt God telling me that he gave me that peace so I could Enjoy the pregnancy, even though I only got to have this baby two months. They were filled with Joy, Love and peace. If I had been living in fear I wouldn’t have enjoyed the pregnancy and I would have been robbed of the Joy we had. I’m so thankful for the peace God gave me so we could celebrate and cherish the time we had. Even now we are feeling Gods blessings pouring down on us.
Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. John 14:27
